Jedi Mind Tricks

Had epiphany. Living with a broken mind is an exercise in absolutely incredible creativity/synthesis in tricking yourself... Some examples:

• How to turn some of the endless and inevitable crying into blog posts (and not pour it All onto other people). Or use passing out as a result of a fit to finally get some sleep that is lacking.
• How to make yourself eat - by taking advantage of a combination of 'having promised people and have to keep it', 'decision to lessen unnecessary food stocks + utter hate of throwing food away', 'pulling invisible strings until friends invite you to lunches or dinners so you'd have distraction enough to be able to eat and also not eating would look weird', 'eating junk food because that is better than nothing', 'eating the foodstuffs or at places that trigger good memories'.
• The feeling of abandonment can lead to gaining a whole new area of knowledge (e.g. how to do a moderator's job or how the heck all the cryptocurrency stuff works), because chatting online about it is better than no communication at all. And it is easier to pretend there than it would be in person.
• Can also re-pick up an old hobby and start talking to complete strangers for same reasons. And watching anime numbs the brain quite well, so not too many dangerous thoughts fit in there.
• Sometimes the breakdowns come timely to act as self-preservation mechanisms against shady situatons you'd get into just because 'what does it matter anyway'. (Imagine bursting into tears uncontrollably on the street when someone is trying to pick you up.)
• The feeling of numbness can be used to talk directly to the few people one should actually be talking to, but haven't due to fear of leaving a bad impression or bothering them etc. Less close people can sometimes be used to complain to but giving them that much information is always a double-edged sword... you might find those supposed friends trying to take your pants off the next instant for example because apparently that's what you do when you see a broken person grasping at straws trying to get help - take advantage. It's fine, though, anger can be used as motivation to do things. Not to mention that such situations should eventually lead to the realisation that there is really noone to depend on but yourself, deal with it, brain!
• How to replace self-destructive urges by less dangerous but still unusual activities like getting bruised and cut all over by a surfboard in impossible-to-control-waves or taking a walk in a typhoon or sleeping on the balcony.
• How to replace debilitating passivity, the 'can't stand this place' feeling when at home or lying in bed unsleeping with hours upon hours of walking around. Some areas you unintentionally end up in again and again bring back memories + discover new nice places when start paying attention where you are after the first hour + the activity counter on the phone gets it's due.
• Walking in the middle of the night is preferred, because there are less cars then to potentially be hit by because you didn't notice them. Also a good excuse for just staying awake because afraid to sleep.
• Routine (alarm same time every morning), heat and light and not wanting to get to lab after others gets one out of bed, through shower and out the door.
• Amazing productivity in experiments can be achieved, because it works as both a distraction (need to focus on some things), and meditation (much of it can be done on autopilot). In addition it satisfies the 'things that have to be done' condition and might create some positive feedback when something is accomplished. Staying long days is easy when there is nothing better to do and it is too hot outside the airconditioned room to exist anyway.
• Not sleeping leaves more time to do everything.. potentially. Also tiredness is supposed to cause hunger so should be easier to eat.
• The constantly watching activity counter can be taken advantage of to make yourself clean the room. Also set it up to track sleep two days ago, maybe will have some effect.
• Constant checking on friends' playlists and what they are currently listening, has the effect of making you listen to music, that always has a good effect but is also sometimes difficult to do.
• 'Couldn't care less' attitude lessens time to get dressed in the morning considerably. Also don't remember when I last put on any make-up, which should be good for skin. Think it's negated by all the chocolate eaten though. But it's ok, it'll run out and there'll be no more for a while, since shopping is not really a thing to do. Got all those dry ingredients to tackle anyway + saves money that could be used for... tickets? Improvising edible things from the currently-at-hand stuff is always a fun challenge.
• And eating them straight from the pot with plastic cutlery is ok, saves water and time on doing the dishes. Being alone, noone sees and can judge. And they'll get washed when the sink is full or I run out.
• Constant checking of phone for any sort of contact from the world is getting very annoying on the broken thing and might lead to eventually going through all the trouble of getting a new one.
• Staying away from alcohol is definitely a good plan without anyone to have your back. And good for health and wallet, naturally. But I did buy a bottle of umeshu earlier because needing the bottle for cooling water in fridge served as an excuse/push to get out and walk.. northwards.
• Period gives a valid excuse to stay in bed and be moody.
• Having plants makes one go onto the balcony at least once a day to water them. And some of the excessive capacity of taking care of something, anything, anyone alive, can be channeled somewhere.
• Walking in the rain is safe in the sense that most people hide under umbrellas and don't look at others and even if some do, it's ok to have water running down your face then.

And so on.. all somehow connected, most very logical. Just trying to get by. Whatever works.

But there are so-so many things that I don't know how trick myself into...

? Cheers,

Hedi

Edits when I remembered some more... tbc, I suspect:

• With a tendency to get addicted to things, avoiding any and all contact with.. substances.. is an obvious route to take. However, one can become addicted to many things, so not buying a  properly working computer, for example, ascertains that you can't play any games good enough to get stuck in.
• Expecting another day in about a month when you manage to not break into tears at least once, gives something to look forwards to. (Think there was one two weeks ago when nothing could break through the numbness.) Well, at least almost everyone who left had extra napkin boxes, all neatly stored in my wardrobe now... won't be running out for a while.
• It's so easy to turn down offers to most events etc when everything requires a huge effort to do. So it's good that there are people, dismissing of whom, is not really possible for one reason or another - forces one move a bit.
• Realizing once again how time flies and things change and how temporary all situations are, gives a good push towards getting rid of things kept-just-in-case.
• Despite having a stock of favourite drinks at home, keeping away from them is easy when a) there is noone to drink them with b) they also qualify somewhat as food, consuming of which is a struggle, so the 'daily limit' should be kept for something actually containing a few nutrients instead of just calories c) the good stuff is actually expensive, so saving it means saving money, not to mention the time and will to go to the shop d) increasing thoughts of how consumeristic most of us are deter using anything I don't actually need e) chronic health issues also sometimes come to mind when remembering that alcohol is, in fact, a poison.
• Food supplements might be a controversial topic, but likely not when one's diet is so terrible that you are likley to be on the verge of being in all sorts of deficiencies anyway.
• Losing hair by the thousands or spilling a bottle of water between the sheets also serve to make you less over-heated, so all is ok.
• Chance glance in the mirror showing that you're not just pale, but blue in the face can act as a trigger to go take another long walk. To keep going, it's possible to step in a konbini to get chicken (and reminescence similar sort of trips at crazy hours in the middle of the night), find there isn't any and walk through several other konbinis in the same predicament for hours, stubborn to get that chicken you don't even want.
• And next day just needs a new idea of what to try to find to get out again - peppermint ice-cream for example.
• Also long walks might eventually break those old unfixable shoes enough to not feel bad about throwing them out. If I bother to put on any shoes in the first place, I mean.
• The threat of someone coming over is the easiest way to clean the place.
• Promise to go to the beach and therefore be in bikini might (or might not) stop one from picking at scabs, pimples, impurities etc and give enough impulse to deforest gorillaish legs and armpits you've been covering up with long clothes despite the heat.
• Oh, and tricking yourself to promising anything to anyone in general and having the borderline-manic 'have-to-keep-promises' hammering in your head is the easiest way to get anything done.
• The don't-care enough so just taking cold showers instead of turning the other tap should be good for health. Additional bonus (combined with not really cooking, because no point) - gas bill for the month is so small I can't even pay it, will be put together with the next month's.
• But sometimes a hyper-sweet coctail home alone combined with the super-cheery-songs-only playlist everyone should have, is exactly what it takes to exist.
• Constantly having your phone on you (due to waiting for any sort of contact from humanity and also to have the counter record every single step so as to simplify achieving the daily goal) makes one a very good moderator.
• And unwillingness to shop assures that you find (and clean) out what's in the bottom layer of the freezer. Which is good preparation for... in case a passing earthquake or typhoon (had both yesterday, for example, yey, Japan) causes a power outage or an opportunity to travel presents inself.
• Benefits of an apartment tiny enough not to even have space to do yoga - when field of vision turns black, the nearest wall to grab hold of is never too far away.
• Being in huge physical pain loses it's ability to bother too much when the mental one is so much worse.
• Getting snail-mail ads no longer bothers but is rather something nice to find in the mailbox - I mean, they are not bills asking for too much money but you can still pretend someone is interested in your existence, even if just to ty to sell you stuff.