*Not going to bother trying to make this a food-related post ;). Also it'll be long with an a**load of links scattered throughout to illustrate some point or another. You have been warned.
"Impossible to convey", is what I told T just two days ago (counting back from the time I started writing this post, I mean... it's taken a while :P).. and yet here I am, giving it a shot. No worries, unless you're one of us, you'll never ever ever get it, just do what RI asks and go with the flow.
Confession 1: I am now a Fan. Seriously and utterly and irreversably, it seems, so there goes my sort-of-clean record in that regard. Yeah, yeah, of course there was one point where it seemed a very good idea to convince parents to buy me that Spice Girls CD and even a sticker album as I recall. And there was also that period when listening at my closed door you'd most likely have heard Manson. And there is HIM - the band I've always mentioned as an example of coming the closest to being a fan of anything. Everything else has always just been a mix of all the thousands of things I like-up-to-love, not limited to music. Hell, I run as soon as I see, hear or smell a horse (towards it, of course) but I've never been a horse fan (yes, I really mean and feel it, as unbelievable as it might seem to some few, who know me.. also yes, you will read the word fan for way too many times by the time I'm done with this writing).
The main story starts, I think, in the year 2013, when after gaining a ton of new FB friends due to new aquintances from Japanese classes in Waseda, and being bored at dorm, I happened to, rather randomly, click on a link in a post by K that led to a news article about some unknown person called GD with another link to this as one of the first things on the page. Click and... done. I can, hand on any holy book of your preference, say, that no video-song combo EVER has blown me away that much, not till then nor since. I remember sitting with heavy-bass headphones on (still using those!!) at my desk just staring at the link collage Youtube shows in the end of videos (don't think there was autoplay function yet or if there was, it was turned off like usual) unable to move or form a coherent thought. Mind you, I didn't understand a word of what was said in the song, and I've been terrible with any symbolism for as long as I can remember (in fact I recall vivid arguments with my wonderful literature teacher L about it with me claiming that authors write (and artists-musicians create) specific expressions because they want/need to get it out of themselves, not to always implicate sth else deep and meaningful as is the case with using "symbols"). Ok, mindblowing moment just now, I don't think I've ever even read the lyrics of the song... (then again it makes sense since they have never been an important factor for me in music - would be difficult to enjoy it in all the different languages of the world like I do otherwise).
So, no idea how long I sat there dazed by the raw power, but in the end something along the lines of "Oh My God" formed and the video quickly got some tens of extra views while my mind was trying to unfreeze. When that finally happened, in the best Youtube fashion, I moved on to these videos: (sadly, due to my innards doing flips by that time, I cannot recall the exact order, the numbers here are just to provide links, no favouritism included either) 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 as well as 6 (pay attention, I will get back to this group later). At that point something finally sparked in my brain and I recalled actually having listened to this band almost 3 years earlier, when L2 (not the same as mentioned before, hence the numeral addition) still had the habit of sharing music links. A quick check and whaddayaknow, I actually had several albumfuls of 샤이니's stuff sitting amongst the uncountable gigabytes of music residing on my hard drive back then.
Needless to say, the classes next morning were spent in a total haze, firstly due to staying awake all night and secondly due to being "slightly exited" about the tiny detail of having discovered an entire new world out there. Kind of felt like having fallen in love, foregoing food and just immersing myself in the superbly visual (at first I drew some parallels to visual-kei (yeah, it's not a proper example, I know, just really like the group) done correctly here in Japan, but that passed quickly) music style that I now knew to be k-pop. Just for fun, the second round of absolute favourites from that night included for example: 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20. Ok, made myself promise to stop when I got to 20... The last one, 자우림, by the way, was what completely convinced me, that in addition to the show that made the genre, there ARE people in that world who sing helluva good. The next logical step was to contact L2 to ask for "Moooooore Honeyyyy!" (if you know where that quote is from, you're weird.. hint: Officer York spreading honey on a person to catch space-alien-parasites). And more I got, though to be honest, by the time she finished compiling the list a few days later, I had gone through most of that particular part of Youtube, knew about as wide a range as she did and had created I think five k-pop playlists (at that time the limit of videos in a list was 200, thank you, Tube, for removing that blockage and allowing me to combine them into what currently is a 1727 song list. To jump ahead for a second, I almost haven't kept up with k-pop for the past few years, meaning I haven't added much... also for reference, into that particular list I only allow music with accompanying videos, not the loads and loads of audio-only good stuff out there, some of which can be found in the Audiogasm list or on my Spotify (not sure how it took me so long to start using this, a Total Must for any melomane, I'll save the lecture why to when anyone asks).
Anyway, gave a finger, hand was taken and from that point I kept a close eye on everything happening - listening to most of the new releases, reading news, at one point pro/regressing into k-dramas (도민준, 강무결, the realistic-for-once-you-know-what-scene-I-mean 커피프린스 1호점) followed by an excursion into variety shows and fan site reports of anything and all.
Since I started writing this seemingly endless piece wanting to at least try to explain the situation, it's time for confession number 2 - not everything is ok in my head. And no, it is not an easy thing to admit, impossible verbally, actually. In fact, this accumulated inability to talk is most likely the main problem or at least the biggest cause of most of what I do or don't... writing is a bit more bearable and I guess things have gotten to the point of needing to do this. So - I haven't believed happiness even exists for years; have spent several periods in black holes (if you don't know what I mean, consider yourself lucky); there are strong misanthropic and antisocial leanings unless I actively supress them with various masks and just keep busy enough to not think; ocd-ish tendencies and terror of failing controls most of what I do (this actually keeps me functioning, as crooked as that is); and the list continues. In the light of that, even though a lot of good happened that first Japanese year (don't think fun has been so intensely packed at any other time), I was also struggling with the.. low points. Low as in sitting in bathrooms in the middle of the night convinced I won't and don't want to survive the year. Thinking back, the entire hallyu absorption kept my mind busy enough to stay away from the darkest places, meaning that turning to the glitter was a pretty logical thing to do if the subconscious-trying-to-preserve-host-due-to-selfish-genes theory is to be believed. Of course, some heartache along the lines of "Was born too late and in a wrong place, all of this has nothing to do with me, missed how all of this began, I'm just a stranger in a wrong country that I have to leave soon, I'll never even see a concert, these people are the same age or younger than me and I, in comparison, have done nothing etc.." certainly came from it all aswell. In any case, I ingested a lot while awake and filled in the gaps while dreaming but despite having favourites and paying closer attention to some groups than others, I didn't really get what the fuss was around the fandoms.
At which point, I decided to buy a ticket. 빅뱅 BigBang, Japan Dome Tour, Tokyo Dome 20th December 2013 - a Christmas present for myself. Oh and let me tell you, not having tackled the process before and lacking the language ability like I did at that time, it wasn't the easiest of things. Meaning I went through almost every emotion from utter despair because a dorm-mate told me the tickets would most likely be sold out already, to complete confusion about the ticket-vending machines in Lawson with their error messages (turned out that the ticket sale hadn't even been opened yet for the general public, only for the official fan-club members (may or may not get to that later)), to the shock about the price to skipping class to be at the machine at 10AM sharp when the sale started, to unbelievable elation when I got the ticket, to panic about losing it (had a small lockable safety box in our room where I kept it while checking on it as though I had a newborn in there.. and no, that song has nothing to do with the current topic, it's just the one that made me be able to write my six-hour-long high-school graduation essay on the topic of happiness, oh how I wish I had it now to read). During the month or so that I waited for the concert, I was living the music and breathing the background information in the form of old trainee-, TVshow-, fancam videos and more. Thought I was prepared...
Then it was the D-day (and no, I don't mean DS's album). Forewent classes, took the early trains (in case I got lost, just a flip-phone and no internet-on-the-go that time around, not sure I could replicate this now) to the venue and was... overwhelmed. The sheer number of people, all the merchandise they were selling and exhibiting, the light sticks, the clothes styles, ages from toddlers to grannies, the hangul signboards, flashing rings-signs-sticks-bracelets, food stalls, the endless selca taking and all of that only on the outside of the Dome. And on the inside - seating for 55000 people (no, I'm not mistaking the number and yes, all of it was sold out... for 3 days in a row. Total attendance of that tour per 16 concerts in Japan according to wiki: 771'000), a ban of taking photos or videos (people caught doing that lost their footage and were thrown out without any room for negotiations... not that that stops people from taking all those hundreds of fancams, luckily) and huge screens with all the now-familiar music videos playing in turn while the seats gradually filled by an assortment of coolest-dressed people ever.
At one point things were starting to feel strange for me. First of all, I was, not totally unexpectedly, the only westerner around. Secondly, I was most likely the only one without a single piece of BB merchandise on me, because "Come on, no way am I going to go with this idiotic money-making scheme, I'm there for the music!" Third, while most of the crowd was ignoring the music videos and just chatting (overexitedly, though, yes) with each other, I was trying my best to not go full dance-machine mode in my seat. About 5 minutes before the start of the Show, the seat in front of me was finally filled by an African-American woman slightly older than me, with whom, thanks to my umbrella almost tripping her down an innumerable amount of stairs (yeah, the seats were pretty high up :( ), I exchanged my first words with a VIP. And no, I'm not talking nonsense, V.I.P. is what BB's fan club is officially called. And fan she most assuredly was, armed with the inescapable light stick and the question: "Who's your bias?" Well, my preparation, at least, helped me understand the question (= who of the five members was my favourite). As to an answer, the best I could do at that point was: "Don't make me choose.", because even though I was honestly there just for the music, deep within I might have already leaned a bit, but no way was I going to admit that, just felt way too embarassing. And then the volume of the music video currently playing was turned up and the crowd went crazy. No more chatting, no more sitting, just over 50000 people standing and screaming on top of their lungs. The experience was otherworldly to this solitary Estonian at least. A short super-powered light-smoke-soundshow as an introduction followed by a few songs by 위너 (that I only remembered now while checking wiki for the audience numbers) and there they finally were - small dolls on a stage as far away as if they were still behind my computer screen, pretty pointless, right. It was a struggle to keep the tears at bay - no more ticket waiting under lock and key... nothing left to look forwards to... so far, still unreal. But then the concert really started and well... wow. The continuation of all effects from the introduction, the talking sections (of which I maybe understood a third, hmpff, what a waste), the fan service, the fan chants, the ocean of gold created by light sticks being waved in perfect unison by the entire domeful (as much as I could see only me and the woman in front of me were dancing like it was our last day on Earth, for everyone else, the concert was basically an exercise for right hand muscles and vocal cords... and hearts), the boys going through all their group hits with that amazing stage presence they have. And then the solo stages. One by one. Until... Until I had to stop dancing, because the waterworks caused by the overpowering emotions couldn't be stopped anymore, grabbing the shoulder of my fellow dancer and telling her: "I decided." (Want to try guessing who had the stage at that point? Haha, easiest quiz of them all...) Her answer: "Ah, after all, eh... Congratulations!" Ms.X, I don't know anything about you, besides the bias (TOP) and that you lived in Tokyo and had been to BB concerts before, I will with a 99.99% probability never meet you again (didn't get the contacts) and you will never see this. But right here and now, I want to tell you that I will remember you for a long-long time to come. Thank you for that concert, thank you for being in this with me. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
In the meanwhile, the concert continued and inescapably drew to an end. Last song, baddabau- baddabang, lights off and it was done. Except noone moved. Well, besides sitting down in their chairs again (oh yes, this is Japan, everyone IS at their seats the entire time, no moving around, no crowding in front of the stages... hell, if that mass of people did that, someone would die, injuries have been sustained despite all efforts at many k-pop concerts in China or South-East Asian countries for example, but this is Japan so...). My confusion was answered by the explanation "Now we play the waiting game." Meaning the guys getting a breather backstage, changing outfits yet again while the fans wait in the huge Dome only lit up by the yellow stars of the light sticks. And do this. For however long it takes. Yes, I know Estonians have experiences from our Song Festival joint singing that might diminish the impact a bit. But consider - for the Festivals we have an entire nationality/country/language/long-and-tragic-history to bring us together. In this, the string that joins all those masses are five people in (more often than not) silly costumes singing pop songs in a language you don't speak (in the case of concerts held outside of Korea, I mean). If that isn't jaw-droppingly awe-inspiring, I don't know what is. Oh, what is sung is this:
逢いたくてぇ 逢いたくて. あの海で待っているよ. 君への想い 朝も昼も夜も 逢いたくてぇ you are my heaven. Direct translation: "I want to meet you, I want to meet you. I’m waiting for you by that sea. My feelings towards you, whether it’s the morning, the afternoon, or the evening, are that I want to see you, you are my heaven." And that we do, this I promise you, meaning the song is just best absolute perfectly chosen. This serving to demonstrate one of the many strikes of genius in this whole setup with a few of the other examples being the name of the fandom and the golden-yellow crown. Because as much as I've, sadly, seen of the fan wars during some year-end concert broadcast or in comment sections, BB fans usually leave the sanest impression. This might be a self-fulfilling prophesy, actually - people tend to behave the way they are called, right, and if VIPs don't bash others, respect gets shown towards them too. The light stick is also an unbeatable match. Yes, there is a tradition to call different idols kings or queens, but no one else has pulled off what OT5 has - ask people on the street, they know BB; ask a fan of another group, they are most likely also fans of BB on the side; ask any other Korean artists/idols who their respect belongs to - BB; no other group has such a following from both genders and young kids up to old grannies; not to mention the official records they have broken in basically all entertainment areas. Truly fit to wear the crown.
Getting back to the event at hand. What followed "my heaven" was a couple of truck-without-a-booth lookalikes rolling between the rows of seats with the boys singing-dancing-distributing gifts from them. Most popular songs, of course, skipping all the official choreo (not that BB have bothered much with that now-let's-all-dance-in-unison for years anymore, they just don't need it) and replacing it with fanservice interspersed with some mindbogglingly sincere moments. That is to say, the encore. Around one and a half songs before the very end, to my surprise some people (including my mate from the other row which is part of the reason why I don't have her contacts, the other part is that I was just too afraid to ask) suddenly started to leave confusing the hell out of me. I couldn't get enough, every second was precious, how can they just up and go, even if it would save them from being stuck at the doors of the place with another 50000 people trying to leave at the same time... The answer that I learnt later, was that most of them weren't going away, they were going to the send-off of the artists (including loads of screaming and filming with shaky i-phones) somewhere in streets and parking lots behind the Dome.
There is, of course, a ton of other things I could describe at length about the concert like the huge boxes where fans can leave gifts for each member personally, the flower wreath and rice donation culture, the special sound-check access given to some select fans before the concert, the laughs and the tears and the faintings and the DVD recordings and the fireworks (and dangers) etc... but let's just go with: it ended. With a bang of cannons shooting out golden ribbons with the concert info printed on them all over the crowd, one of which, despite my really poorly located seat, I managed to grab, basically out from between the hands of someone else (yay for long arms). And this is the only physical thing I have from that concert. Because after sitting emotionally-wrung-out for a while waiting for the larger crowds to dissipate (and since we're talking Japan here, people were let out section by section in a most orderly fashion), battling my way through something like this (the upper exits of the Dome have some straaaaange stuff going around them, recommend the experience to everyone) and realising all the merchandise booths amongst the fans now out front were still running, I came back to the thought "No way, what on earth would I do with any of this expensive junk", I walked away (and jumping to the present day for a second, yes, there are regrets). Walked away, got on a train smiling at all the other surrounding concert-goers, got home through a haze (only thing I remember is walking in Shinjuku with the golden ribbon tied around my neck and the lit-up faces of two merchandise-decorated fans when I bumped into them and they recognised it), was met with "How was it?" by roommate C, had to tell her I wasn't able to speak and broke down in the bathroom for an hour or so. Total overload, I'm guessing.
So, I had gone to a concert, I had found a bias but I still didn't get it. I did, however, keep listening to all Korean music I could (spanning out from pop to k-hiphop, k-reggae, k-rock, even some folk-metal (hell, yesss!!)), and to spend more time walking around in Shin-Okubo, a couple of times also ending up in Oscar (a bar/club that did k-pop nights that I fear is now out of business) or Blue, either alone or dragging along some friend who had no idea what they were getting themselves into. So, fun times, except for one thing in hindsight - the missed opportunities due to the inability to speak to people. Because I really couldn't. A shame, truly, when you are one of the 5 people in a bar, the only one who is dancing and the DJ happens to be the most famous k-pop DJ in the entire Japan (not a small country, this)... Nevertheless, one of those times I swapped contacts with R (same ultimate bias = instant friend, right) who at one point took me to the bizarre birthday celebration of YB complete with cover-bands and a (apparently famous in those circles) GD-imitator. And again the thoughts "Why on earth? I don't get this at all!" were the main things going round my head. (Haha, I just remembered, guess what we went for that one time the two of us ended up in a remote part of Tokyo with some of my classmates in a bar that "served" music - yes, there actually was a huuuuge menu of music you could choose from alongside your drinks and snacks.)
In the meanwhile, I couldn't refrain from sharing my obsession even if just a bit, on FB by posting a link to one of the playlists. Which is how, from a comment by L3 (I think, or it might have been R2), I learnt that K2 had stepped on a similar rake some time ago when stumbling across a MAMA broadcast (time-line a bit foggy here, might have been the same one I watched after crying on skype to R2 because the broadcast wouldn't work in Japan and him providing me with a strange program that enabled me to watch it in the end but might also have infected my computer with something nasty... not that I particularly cared at that point) and was, by that time, a complete 엑소 fan of the type to obtain everything with any connection to the group (those soaps, I don't even, lmfo) and actually organise a trip to Seoul (a plan I quickly jumped on board with despite having gone once before - best idea ever... I mean that sugar-rush day, good lord! ... and I just realised I haven't written about any of the three trips there properly, urgently need more hours in my day).
Roll in spring 2014, cheerier moods (remember this!) despite the looming "have to leave Japan" and the decision to go (because it might very well be the last with all that 'moving back across the world to where nothing ever happens' again) to my second concert. This time YG Family World Tour 2014 -POWER- in Japan, May the 4th (and oh wow, I just now noticed that date!!!). Won't be going into any details here, let's leave it at "many different artists, some of whom I really liked, some not so much (but have, in fact, come to admire greatly by the time of writing this... attention to the lyrics of this one!), the experience was slightly watered down in any case." All of it just didn't feel so gripping at that point of time, even though a lot was essentially the same as the first time. What I did differently, however, was a purchase - a large tote bag with aluminium lining that peeled off after a few washes. By the way, after removing that, I still use it several times a month for shopping, going to the beach, carrying around my speaker etc. Another 'first' connected with that, actually. We had an excess of bags back home so at one point A suggested throwing it out. Did not expect to only narrowly escape freaking out at that and definitely didn't undertand my own reaction at that point (back to this in later paragraphs). The best I could do was grabbing it physically close and uttering a weak "No, it's important, it's from a concert." while in reality something like "My first item of official merchandise, how dare you even suggest that?!" was going round in my head, most likely not is such a polite manner. Anyway, while on the merch topic, the second thing I got myself a bit later while walking home through Koreatown, was a Coup d'Etat button badge - out of the many I have attached to my way-too-old-and-worn bag it's the only one I have kept on the inside from the start to avoid losing it.
Armed with those (memories + items), next was the dreaded return to reality, when the year ran out and there was no other option but to board a plane and go back to re-doing most of my thesis work several times over in a town so small that everyone knows everyone, anonymity doesn't exist and yet people don't give a f about the convenience of almost anyone else. And no k-pop concerts/bars/shops, of course, dream on. Well I did find some fans through the Korean class I took for a year, though, thank you all, my dears! (And I still maintain that my reason for going for it was not the obsession but rather the fact that there wasn't a high enough level of Japanese course, not learning any language for free sounded like a waste, the Spanish classes (that were the other idea) were full and I had two pretty good (at the time) Korean friends from Waseda, waving at you, H and S.)
In any case, old Estonian habits soon took over once again and between the killer workload, the lovely company of old friends and family, some new, rather remarkable mirroring connections, that after years and years of failing at this, again started to teach me to speak, and a sort of calmness of mind, my obsession got minimised into the taskbar. I still kept an eye on the BB updates via rss feed; every time we met with K2, M, A2 or the others, top-notch k-pop would most assuredly be playing; there were those two wonderful MAMAs (first with the show projected over the entire wall blasting out the concert while L3 was trying to study for some exams in the kitchen, the next year at our place with Korean food and the promises by our "organisers" to make it better next year, hihihi). Courtesy of K2, I even became the owner of one of the middle MADE single albums (currently safely stored in my underwear drawer at mom's place, if I remember correctly, hahaha), a sheet of stickers and a BB face mask. (Admitting right here that when I received the last two I had no idea what to do with either and whereas the former should currently be tucked away in the "Big Box of Memories" back home, the second I have been using after returning to this homeland several times a week when either sick, teary or not feeling up to putting on any make-up, albeit usually turned inside out - my secret. Actually had a big shock just last month when I couldn't find it anymore, thought I'd lost it until it magically re-appeared in the laundry machine... them sock-monsters be branching out it seems...)
Moving on in time, the idea of "To hell with it, they are giving away scholarships, let's get them." formed and was fulfilled, bags were packed and the country changed again. Tons of troubles and complications were met, some solved, many swept under the rug and left to fester, as it turned out much later.
And to not skip something relevant, there is another concert report to give. 2016 BTS LIVE The Most Beautiful Moment in Life On Stage: Epilogue, 12 July, Osaka-jō Hall, if I am not mistaken. And this is the moment where I have to clarify that I had to do a lot of searching in my calendar and google, to find the correct name and year of the concert we went to, giving a pretty good idea of how much less invested I am in this particular band. Don't get me wrong, absolutely love most of their music and have since this (hopefully I didn't link this one above, should check I guess). Plus what the boys have accomplished starting from a minor company and getting to the top of Western! music market topping charts, songs being used in movies etc, is totally amazing. So when K2 decided it was once again time for a trip to Asia, knowing that she had switched from EXO and that there was a concert to be held at the same time, I diligently researched the ticket sale once again and was at the machine 5 min before the sale started only to see the system go down for a couple of minutes and the labels "sold out" to appear next. Well, f! Through some mysterious (and I don't want to know how expensive) ways K2 actually got valid tickets somewhere online, they even arrived in our post box by the correct time, I had time to listen through the group's older songs that happened to be on my phone and off we went. So 방탄소년단 - a group of seven out of whom, despite K2's efforts, I still only recognise Suga and Rapmon. The general fuss and fluster surrounding the event was already familiar to me but the same cannot be said about K2 and that made ALL the difference. Good god, her excitement was infectious (well, always has been, actually, cheers, girl!). Armed with some fan fans (think the one I held and waved around was Suga's meant for M of her ultimate bias) and other trinkets (got myself a pair of neatly stylised wristbands for warming purposes of my poor thin bones) we found ourselves in the hall about midway to the stage. And, coming clear here, I was not too comfortable. First, having not really kept up with the latest, I only knew half of the songs. Second, I was wedged between K2 and a Japanese girl, who at Every Single Move or Word of V let out ear-shattering squeals and, in the case of the latter, also copious amounts of tears. But then... "Fireeeeeeeeee!" (It's now been two years and the thing is still stuck in my head at the slightest notice, haha, can't do it much more proper than that.)... Ok, that might have been a bit incomprehensible. What I meant to say was that the energy coming off the stage and the audience once again dragged me in until I was dancing around like crazy and that by the end of the concert was in such a state of mind that I honestly have NO idea how the two of us got back home. Vaguely remember almost choking on the train because I couldn't stop laughing for long enough to drink my tea properly. The video of K2's reaction right after exiting the hall says everything, basically.
And just like that it was the hell that was the autumn of 2017. Health, work, relationship and basically any other type of problems you can imagine collided resulting in (for example but not limited to) pure hatred of the world and all people; crushing hopelessness; complete lack of ability to talk to anyone or look up while walking on the streets; inability to eat, sleep, listen to music, read or work.. or get out of the bed for that matter once I'd managed getting into it; ignoring everyone I knew on- and offline; fighting the urges to burn down the apartment; utter distrust of anyone, getting physical convulsions when anyone happened to touch me; wanting more than anything to just blow everything up... Complete overpowering inability to do anything, including get out of the spiral, that is. I guess I got lucky, actually, since the mayor crisis at work combined with the horror of failing and having to go back to Estonia where I'd have to deal with people and life at least kicked something loose and forced me to disregard everything else but lab for a while (which is why I still have the position). The health crisis, next, gave a feasible excuse to stay in bed for weeks and decline doing anything. And there were some people connected by the vastness of the internet who wouldn't give up either, even if I didn't respond or only managed to spout nonsense. (You know who you are and I bow.)
Then K2 showed up because it was time for this year's MAMA. I was terrified of her coming but on the other hand by that point I was also able to feel enough to be equally as terrified of what was happening so I agreed. Don't think she realised how bad of a shape I was in, I've been practising these masks for ages, after all. She even convinced me to go to my favourite hangout in Kyoto that I'd been avoiding like anywhere else. Well, I survived. Without looking at anyone; blocking the worried comments from the owners-friends about my state with excuses of being tired; and getting through the first panic attack of the three I've had so far. In any case, what I am actually trying to get to is that the quietly smouldering coal of music (and yes, k-pop in particular) slowly started producing flames again as a reaction to those efforts (and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for making me do these things). It was followed by a slightly increased ability to read, eat, sleep, communicate, clean the room, listen to more music. Honestly, I've been saying this for years but most likely won't ever be able to explain, how big of a role music actually plays for me.
Anyway, another panic attack, a hospitalisation, tons of painkillers and some deep painful cuts (both literal and not) later that ember was blown into a blazing fire by this and other songs from the same album. And I was baffled. Because I had, naturally, heard it before, right after it came out that relatively happy summer, and almost completely disregarded it, maybe liking one song. But now I had it on repeat for days (and nights) because... How to put this... I had been crying for weeks, close enough to non-stop without any particular reason. And that gets tiring. Blaming yourself for being weak and silly, trying to think things through and do something about it but being unable to. Just endless tears and napkins any time and any place or just having to wash the pillows when it's too much of an effort to reach for the tissue box. But those five songs sort of gave the crying a focus. I wasn't just out of control anymore, it was ok to be sad because of all the emotion that was in those songs, all the background information I had on it. So from there, once more I dove head-first into the k-pop world, up to the point of foregoing sleep to watch random videos.
And then this. Got the news an hour after it broke during my dinner-efforts while watching a holiday live stream of these wonderful people whose endless positivism (despite Martina's chronic illness) has managed to crank me up every once in a while for the past 3 years or so. To put it into context, they used to live in Seoul for years, are personal friends of many of the second generation k-pop artists, last two+ years they've lived in Tokyo, it's been helluva fun seeing them go through the same discovery process I did in the beginning. Strangers, technically, but feel way closer than that. In this way my learning of the news passed through a wasteland-filter of online 'unreal' communication that, nevertheless, had enough of an impact to shock. Since I'd been crying more than not for the past month anyway, I cannot really say how much of the tears that followed, were due to 종현 passing. I mean, his solo work had never left too great of an impression and neither had I really kept up with the dealings of the band for some time. But, like mentioned above, they were the very first k-pop I ever listened to (you never really forget the first time, right ;P) and Lucifer (link 6, told you to take note) was the song that 5 years ago got me to finally overcome the pure hatred of running longer than 100 meters that had been instilled in school (seriously, the hell was up with the guys being allowed to play football or sth and girls constantly having to run in circles like rabbits in heat) and has been the first song on my jogging playlist ever since... I mean can it get much more inspirational than 태민 dancing in that shirt...
But getting back to the point, what really creeped me out was that the deed followed very closely after some more than unsettling news about another 'stranger'. This for example (that one has subtitles, original here). Or this anatomy lesson. Or any of the other tens of danger signs I know all too personally by now. It is terrifying and it is hopeless even within a regular life, to couple that with the pressure these people are under melded with the shocking happenings that had already taken place with TOP that year and the unforgiving culture... Helpless. And sad, so excruciatingly sad to understand yet again that the more beautiful things one is able to create, the more they have to suffer for it. It's true after all, the cliche about crazy genius painters, musicians, writers - always walking the edge trying not to fall off. It's just unfair. The world is unfair...
The next morning I got out of bed, got my bike out after a long-long time and pedalled to the closest mall with a record shop to buy the 권지용 album. The thing is that they only had the Japanese CD/DVD versions. And I wanted the original USB version (fangirl reasons, you don't want me to go there). So I did what I had been avoiding since forever - made myself an Amazon account, learnt how to use it and ordered it online with the disclaimer that it's to arrive in the middle of January (oh, good, birthday present, check!). Jumping ahead, it didn't, it actually arrived smack in the middle of Christmas along with a few GD photocards and weird-af plastic dolls as extras. That done, I had to cope with a huge regret. If you watched the anatomy lesson above, that video was from the Act III: M.O.T.T.E World Tour to promote the album and the Osaka concerts took place while I was away in Estonia/Crete. "Not a big deal", is what I was thinking when I booked the plane tickets but now... The inhuman stress, the depression, the innate rebelliousness, the means to do whatever he wanted (even if the state of mind doesn't often allow one to see it, there is always a choice), the upcoming military enlistment, me still living in a temporary country, sure to leave at one point in the not too distant future - "Will I ever see a live / the artist alive again?"
Like fate that same evening a post jumped out on me from the feed: "BB in Incheon, heading to Osaka". For a concert. I knew they were touring but I also knew they had already been to Osaka in November while I was... debilitated. I didn't even notice I was moving before I was dressed and out the door at midnight to get myself a ticket from the convenience store for the very next day: BigBang Japan Dome Tour 2017 -Last Dance-, Kyocera Dome 21st December.
The general story is the same as the first time - went early, managed to get a huge mud + bike oil stain onto my snow-white jeans, got a panda-shaped bread (couldn't resist, sorry, RI... or should I be apologising to JI instead, haha) and some chicken from a store nearby and then spent a while lining up in front of the merchandise booths from where I left with a black oversized hoodie that I am trying very hard (and failing) not to wear too much for fear of it losing it's appearance too fast, and a bonus randomly drawn pink (yahoo!... yes, there is a meaning in that colour) hand-warmer. I was most likely among the first 500 people in the hall sitting at my freaking highest seat ever trying to read an article I had brought (no, I didn't catch a word of it, had to reread afterwards) watching/listening to the music videos on screens, drying tears when this came on. Gathering of the crowds, the sudden increase in volume at which I jumped a few rows forward cause there were some empty seats there, and the OT4 appeared. Yes, 4, not 5, because apparently the suitable punishment by netizen/k-pop standards for overdosing on sleeping medication is that you need to disappear from the public eye to "reflect" on all the trouble you caused everyone. So a few days after the suicide of one in the same boat as themselves while lacking a member who narrowly escaped the same fate not too long time ago - all hats off to how they manged to pull it off. Because it was all there, everything the fans could want, just like the first time. Plus, of course newer songs, collaborations, bracelets that did this handed out at the door to everyone and many other things. And the assurances (in Japanese that by now, I understood almost completely) that they'd return after military. Yet behind it all was the hidden sadness of the huge amount of people that there is no telling, this really might be the last dance while at the same time taking consolation of ever having been a part of this huge humming larger-than-life swarm in the first place. As for me, like foreseen, I had to dive into my bag for napkin packets at the first notes of 무제 and stayed in my seat with another load of them long after half the hall was empty gaining some sympathetic looks and words in the process. After which I took the concertgoers-loaded train back home and returned to life a baby-step a fan video and a song at a time.
Right. I've been mentioning the merchandise many times, hope you've noticed because it was not a string of Freudian slips but fully intentional. Explanation needed? Well, if you're anything like me, the idea of the importance of material things or brand products might make you slightly nauseous. However, seeing as lately I try to not go out of my door without either the mask, the button pin, the hoodie, the bag or the hand-warmer with me, it could be said that I've gotten to know the other side too. Namely, every time I notice one of those things, a torrent of thoughts, memories etc is released bringing with them a jolt of hidden joy and a bubble of secret safety. And in this depressing day and age, I suspect everyone needs those very much indeed. (Am wondering at the moment whether the luxury goods work the same way, doubt it somehow, those seem for the show more like, I prefer to keep the knowledge all to myself.) Just hoping this doesn't get out of hand. I mean, I have no intention of going on a self-destructive shopping spree of everything BB, however my reaction when I passed the hand-warmer to D for a minute and he dared put it down on a random handrail in a subway station, was... strong. In any case, all of what I have has accumulated over the course of 5 years while every year hundreds of different official merchandise items, not to mention (tens of) thousands of unofficial ones get created and distributed. Also out of them all, I only actually went and bought a few. In addition, I am actively using many of them, so money well spent is what I say. And despite this being clear as day to me and having explained to the best of my efforts, it seems that people don't understand. Can't be blamed, I know, if they've never been in this sort of fansom-essential-for-existing situation. Nevertheless, it does hurt, when being told I should instead of going to concerts and buying sweaters, save up for plane tickets. Yes, I suppose I could have, it's just that I don't know whether or what would have made it to the destination then.
Because this is what being me (and sadly many many other people with similar... issues) means - grasping at straws, just trying to find anything that works, temporary or not. Hope all of this is making any sort of sense, to try to sum up: in the worst times I've had, there were opportunities/incentives to turn to an innumerable amount of different things, of which many I have tried at one point or another and that have mostly failed. Whatever you think, however superficial this fandom thingy seems to the people who have no idea how it feels to be what 타블로 was singing about before, however much it looks like a passing phase, it has become something that works, something I return to when in deep sh*t once again, something that is always there like a safety net. I'm aware that once the acute phase of problems passes (as it is doing now), so will the complete obsession. However, now I finally acknowledge on a concious level that it'll still be there, waiting for the inevitable relapse to the personal black hole, to be used as a safe heaven, a backup, a ladder rung.
TOP - 최승현; Choi Seung Hyun; T.O.P; Tabi, Bingu, Dhoom TOP; Tempo; Hyung; ...
YB - 동영배; Dong Yong Bae; 태양; Taeyang; Yongbae; Sol; Sun; Solar; TY; Trollbae; Eomma Bae; Bae; ...
GD - 권지용; Kwon Ji Yong; 지드래곤; G-Dragon; Ji; Kwonjiral; Kwon Leader; Iguana Idol; Nyong; Dragon; Jiyong; Asian Michael Jackson; ...
DS - 강대성; Kang Dae Sung; Daesung; Smiling Angel; D-Lite; Delight; Yabai Kang; DL; Earth Angel; Angel; ...
RI - 이승현; Lee Seung Hyun; 승리; Seungri; Victory; V.I; Panda; Maknae; RiRi; Seunglord; the businessman; Strong Baby; ...
Disclaimer: the previous is a sample of some of the (nick)names used and unequivocally understood by all fans when referring to the BB members (oldest to youngest). Included here to give an example of the details I now have stored away in my brain. So be grateful for all the effort I am making to stop it from overflowing when communicating with you regulars to avoid all the awkwardness... Not even going into any of the ships - 뇽토리 for life!
By the way, people interested in learning hangul and having half a day to do it, here's help.
종현,고생했어.
Hedi
Ps. I started writing this post several months ago as an additional means to struggle out of the pit (writing has always been another thing to have benefitial effects and like I said, whatever works). Well, I succeeded. The first steps on the path were described as best I could above but of course that's not the end of it. Going into a full-blown fangirl mode was followed by a returned ability to work and eat, do some exercise, after that I gradually started tolerating people again, meaning I could re-connect with the friends I had left and also in the best Kyoto manner to randomly meet new people leading on to unlocking new hobbies and adventures. And thanks to that, lately life has been pretty great, to be honest. Some of the unavoidable-cause-things-are-the-way-they-are-and-the-world-is-large-and-noone-has-invented-a-teleport-yet or people-you-tolerated-because-you-know-how-it-feels-like-to-have-mental-issues-becoming-delusional-stalkers or almost-cutting-off-technically-really-good-friends-because-they-dared-to-say-shit-about-others or idiots-not-staying-at-home-when-sick-and-infecting-others-so-have-to-stay-in-bed-for-a-week or it's-still-freaking-10-degrees-indoors-I-can't-feel-my-toes or haven't-had-any-real-progress-at-work-for-a-year-and-a-half problems are there, of course. But as long as they all happen outside of the hole, they can be dealt with, piece of cake.
And like expected, the k-popper in me has quieted down. I mean, I still have many korean songs in my daily-played lists (shoutout to Spotify once again, seriously, check it out if you haven't yet!); I almost never skip anything by GD that shuffle throws at me, instead choosing to stop what I am doing for a minute and marvel at the many-sidedness of the world; on many nights I fall asleep to 2014; I keep the bloodred USB near my desk where I can see it; get secret happy when wearing the BB mask or hoodie or seeing any good news about any of the boys; and will be devastated in three days time (hint: that damned place where long hair or individual personalities on men is not acceptable). So instead of an acute phase, the fannism is running in the background, maybe not totally minimized. But the ending to the original post still stands:
Now and until whenever,
V.I.P
(one of the millions)
